mountains

as we cross over into a new year, i am reflecting on this past year with gratitude. i climbed a few mountains and for that i am proud.

first, at work, i pitched a wild, far fetched idea. depression. ptsd. are far too prevalent and heartbreaking and debilitating and life taking. i am a victim of this terrible disease. rewind to the summer before, i declared myself healed and stopped taking my medication. turns out, i was not healed. and ended up more broken than i could have ever imagined. in that season of literally one foot in front of the other, i dove into research about ketamine therapy for treatment resistant depression. it would have been a hefty commitment, treatments twice a week, out of town, couldn’t drive myself home and would entail taking too much time off work and away from being a mom. my family was so supportive and offered to move mountains to make that happen for me. i believe their sincere concern for me provided the push towards – ok-ness- and i ended up finding a medication that worked, well enough, to allow me to work and mother, and for then, was good enough. i told my colleagues that we needed to offer that treatment, after all, we are the mental health authority for our county and our rural patients deserve the latest and greatest. they agreed. we poured our hearts into the pitch and here we are a year later, a certified spravato center. it’s new, and small, but the impact has been tremendous. the purpose i have found in this program, in providing a space of healing for several, has catapulted my own healing in a way i did not know possible. i sat with a woman, who tearfully declared that her lifelong depression was lifting and because of the science behind this treatment, she has been able to process past trauma and considered it a true breakthrough. this mountain, the view behind was risky and intimidating but the view ahead is hopeful and life giving. perhaps, life saving.

next peak, summer vacation. i dreamed and saved and worried and planned and i made a dream come true. i volunteered at a young life camp one summer in college, a family camp in colorado and those college summer days of scrubbing toilets, making beds and watching families have the best week of their lives left an imprint on my heart that i couldn’t forget. well i did for a while, i guess, i thought that a place like that was for perfect families, not a single mom. but God kept putting it on my heart, and when He did time after time, i called. the waiting list was too long so i forgot about it. God didn’t. we got a spot this past summer. i am proud of what i planned and accomplished on my own with my kiddos. and i think we had the best week of our lives. it was truly magical and special. this mountain, indescribable and memorable.

next up, the slow ascent of parenting. this stretch, each step unpredictable and unstable at times, but rewarding. its the part where i get to see the fruits of some of my labor and lean on God and others for wisdom. i have had the privilege of watching my strong willed, independent, seemingly defiant daughter manifest into a remarkable teenage girl who is strong, brave, stands up for what is right, understands her value and doesn’t settle. and my sensitive, silly boy grow into those big feelings, start to understand them and see how he extends them into his world in the way of compassion and empathy. of course, these days are sprinkled with fights, and talking back and selfishness and all the things but what i have learned about being a mother, just as i have learned as a nurse, well, really what i have learned from being a human with real feelings is…grace. and how far that grace seems to go when it lands on an appreciative recipient who doesn’t deserve it.

finally, in the early days of this new year, i did something for myself and when my daughter told me that she was proud of me for doing this, i knew that i would be ok. i had my other hip replaced. after years of debilitating pain and the prediction of a specialist that the pain and debility would only worsen, i electively had surgery. being away from work and needing help is a steep hill to climb for me, in fact, that is more difficult than the actual healing part for me. grateful for kids who took on the role of nurse and cheerleader for me. for family who selflessly cared for my every need.

i fear the next mountain is steep and treacherous and scary…political changes and uncertain times in this country. that is all i will reflect on that for now as the weight of it seems a little too heavy in this moment. but one thing i will refuse to do is take for granted the blessings i do have and the lessons i have learned from walking alongside the sick and suffering and that is to continue to keep my heart open and extended outward to those that did not receive the luck of favor and privilege. and what i learned from my daughter, to stand up for what is right. and from my son, empathy.