dating

*written a few weeks ago, just now getting the courage to press “publish.”*

last week was horrible. my attitude was awful. my body was worn out. my mind defeated. my soul dry. i yelled at my kids. and begged them for forgiveness the next morning. i cried. i said things i shouldn’t have said. discontentment ravaged me. in the fury of frustration, i sent a text to my sister, my lifeline, basically telling her that i was so miserable and i didn’t know how to find the good right now. she responded immediately and was available if i wanted her to be. i shut down. i went to sleep because sleep seems to be the safest place sometimes. safe from thoughts and tears and loneliness. after a couple of days of reflection, i was able to understand why my heart was aching so much and i shared that with my sister. she validated what i was feeling and instead of trying to fix me or dismiss the ugly in me, she allowed me to be. in fact, she blessed me beyond belief and sent me away for the weekend to relax and reflect. while my children were with their dad, gaining a stepmom and stepsister, i went away to just be. alone with my thoughts. to face them. to feel them. to process them. all while surrounded by beautiful surroundings, sunshine and quiet. quiet that i often avoid which has led to too many thoughts and feelings stuffed and hidden behind distractions and busyness. i spent time reading, in fact, reading a book that my daughter recently found stuffed in a drawer at home. the title, “how to really love your child.” she handed the book to me and agrily asked me, “mom, why do you have to read a book to know how to love me?” turns out, sometimes i do need help. the book focused on intentional acts of love and affection that children respond most to. of course i don’t really need a book to know how to love her, the child that God specifically made to be MY daughter, but there are times that childrearing is not all giggles and snuggles. my sister knows that loneliness has wrecked me. not the type of loneliness you feel when no one is around but the type that your heart feels without a companion. i desire to be married again. she reminded me that i will never be happy with another person until i am happy with myself. i had just signed up for another *sigh* dating site and within minutes of clicking submit, i felt a pit in my stomach. i closed my computer and just sat there…and then i heard God speak to me, the clearest i have ever heard HIM. “date me.” i wasn’t even tempted to argue or question. it was reassuring. on this weekend away, i ate meals alone. sat at the hotel bar, alone. took walks alone. sat in the hot tub, alone. all while surrounded by couples and families. i didn’t look at them with jealousy or envy, i simply focused on me and God continuously courted me. i love the smell of mountain laurel and this place that my sister sent me to was canvassed with blooming fragrant mountain laurel, i felt as though God showed up over and over to the date with my favorite flowers. he painted the sky pink at sunset and allowed the sun to shine despite several days of cloudiness and gloom. he pointed to me scriptures and settled my heart. he listened to my thoughts and comforted me. i was able to smile, while being alone. i felt as though the heaviness i have been living under for so many years began to lift.