“she tried”

i joked with a friend after leaving a funeral the other day that my tombstone should read “she tried.” this woman who’s life we were celebrating called for touching tributes and ……… despite her remarkable achievements in her long life, what impacted me most were the memories loved ones shared of her character. kindness, generosity, honesty. she was bold and demanded the same from those around her. from what i heard, she made those in her life better people. she also mouthed some sass and attitude too but that just seemed to make her more likeable and relatable.

when i think of my my important job on this earth, that is raising these two babies to be just like this woman. to be known and loved for their character. well momma fails more often than i’d like to admit. in fact, this mother’s day, i sobbed on my daughters bed, accused her and her brother of being selfish and told her how they ruined my day because of their disobedience and disrespect. i’m broken and sinful. that is truth. her eyes welled up with tears as she watched me sob. perhaps there is some value in my kids seeing me at my worst but saying that just feels like an excuse to me.

i shared this with a woman whose child raising season has passed and she looked at me with concern and whispered, “some things we as moms just need to keep to ourselves.” as if what i had said made me appear to be unkept and unraveling. well, yes, that is how it feels sometimes. my mind told me i should trust every word spoken from a seasoned mom but my heart knew that pretending to have it all together would just be a facade. i’m done with fake and pretending. brokenness highlights the grace that follows. believe me, grace follows me and hangs on me as closely as my three year old clings to his momma. as much as i try to do it all on my own, His grace and those mercies that are new every morning do not ever depart from me. and for that i am thankful.

so “she tried” means she gave it her all. she wept, beat herself up, acted like a fool, sacrificed, failed, fell…and did that on repeat. and mommas that’s the best we can do, we try. and thank goodness for His grace that takes over and covers and erases.