grief

i remember answering phone calls of silence on the other end only to hear the deafening sound of tears. a grieving mom, desperate for answers, wanting help holding onto reality through grieving the loss of her precious daughter. i never knew what to say. i just knew that i was thankful that she chose me to call days and weeks after her great loss.

and then there were the phone calls from the grandpa. months and even years after losing his grandson. deep in grief. searching for some sort of connection to his lost love, as if i held the key to some precious memory since i was present when his grandson took his final breath.

grief doesn’t follow rules. it rears it’s ugly head when you least expect it. and it’s beautiful all at the same time when it draws us nearer to Christ. for nearly ten years, i walked the treacherous roads of grief with so many families, all journeys looking so different. i knew that i couldn’t really understand their pain but i so desperately wanted to help them. so i would just be there. i listened. i cried. i prayed. i empathized.

now i find myself walking through my own journey of grief, of a much different type of loss, but nonetheless, painful. i’m the one making the phone calls. some days, i feel like i’m barely crawling along the treacherous path of healing. other days i’ve reached the summit only to realize that the road doesn’t end there. grief drags you through all the emotions, and even some that don’t fit into a category because you can’t comprehend how you feel.

grief is terribly unpredictable. but these things i know to be true. God will never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). God’s ways and plans are greater and higher than mine (Isaiah 55:9). God is close to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18). God gives rest to the weary and strength to the weak (Isaiah 40:29). (thank you, alyssa.)

and grief is no surprise to our Heavenly Father. even “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). david loudly laments. grief is not a new concept. the way we handle it seems to evolve. the way the world interprets it affects the griever. and as “privacy” seems to be highly coveted, it can be nearly impossible to grieve alongside someone. can you embrace someone else’s tears or do you feel the need to fix them? does it make you uncomfortable to see someone in pain?

here are some things i have learned through my own grief:

1. there is no timeline. yes there are different “stages of grief” but they last different lengths of time for different people. and sometimes when you think you’re ok, a memory may haunt you and set you back. let others in to walk the road with you.

2. just because the tangible details of your life are pieced back together doesn’t mean that your heart is healed. unwanted emotions and tears sneak up when you’re least expecting and there’s nothing you or someone can do or say to make them go away sometimes.

3. your reaction to grief may not make sense to others but it’s your experience. work through it the way YOU need to. don’t believe any lies about how you should feel or how quickly you should move through the process.

here are some ways you can support someone that is grieving:

1. just be there. don’t feel like you have to give advice or “fix” them.

2. be comfortable with tears and be there for the long haul.

3. check in with them. keep them close in your thoughts and your prayers. physically keep them company if they want it because grief has a way of making some days feel like they are just too hard to face alone.

and just remember that we don’t only grieve the loss of a life but also the loss of dreams, love, etc..