once a nurse, always a nurse

it’s been about a year since i last put scrubs on and cared for other people’s children. instead, i usually have my fancy yoga pants on chasing my own children around, hoping and praying that i am nourishing their souls, compassionately caring for them well and stimulating their minds and imaginations. well let’s just say that happens on a good day. we all know that being a stay at home mom isn’t as glorious as it sounds. rewarding, yes but easy, no. we don’t go shopping all day with perfectly behaved children in tow, or meet up with friends and have uninterrupted conversations over lunch or indulge in our own hobbies with the oodles of free time we possess. or whatever other ridiculous misconceptions i’ve heard! let’s just say that getting up at five in the morning, working a twelve hour shift on my feet and meeting the unending needs of other people sometimes seems like it would be a vacation compared to the reality of being a stay at home single mom. obviously, that is an exaggeration and i tend to be a little dramatic! working moms, i have so much respect for you! that is probably why i have been desiring a little bit more lately to begin working outside the home again. and perhaps i’m dreaming of contact with the outside world and conversations with adults 🙂

i missed being a nurse the moment i stepped back from my career. you see, it’s a part of who i am. God made me to care for others. i am certain of that. although it became very clear that i needed to take a break from the pediatric cancer world to care for myself, to heal, to focus on my own family, i never stopped caring about those kids, thinking about their families and praying for their bodies to battle courageously. just recently, two babies have come into my life that are fighting their own medical fights. a new precious friend of mine, her newborn diagnosed with spinal muscular atrophy, now participating in clinical trials desperate for any hope of improving her quality of life, for the chance of extending it any amount of time. it’s been sweet to be on the friend side, praying fervently for them and looking her mom in the eyes and telling her that i believe in miracles and that i’ve seen them before. but there’s a side of me that so wishes i were the one in scrubs comforting her sweet baby during procedures and holding her mom and dad’s hands explaining what’s going on. and my cousin and his wife who just had their first child, a beautiful little girl, born with a heart defect. she endured open heart surgery at just one week old. her parents courageously weathered the storm of emotions related to having a newborn multiplied by having a sick newborn. they are amazing, and hopeful, and strong and their sweet girl is now home with them, thriving. they are across the country but every picture they sent, i saw familiarities of the hospital caring for her to the one i spent the last ten years working in. same blankets, same IV pumps, same baby cribs…i even zoomed in on some of the pictures to see what medications were hanging on the IV pumps or to see the vital signs on the monitor. i so badly wished i could have been the one in scrubs wearing that special pink NICU badge caring for her and her family! once a nurse, always a nurse. it’s who i am. it’s far more that a profession. it’s a calling. it’s a way of life.

haiti 2010 i’m so proud every time gracie wants to play doctor or nurse with her stuffed animals and she proudly says, “i’m a nurse just like my mommy!” if just an ounce of compassion will rub off on my children, i believe they will be in good hands. that ounce will snowball throughout life as they encounter the needs of others and i pray that they will have the same desire and craving that i do to share that gift with others.

now back to being a stay at home mom, or a working mom, or let’s just face it, A MOM. the struggle is real. everyday. but the rewards are greater. and i may not have that attitude everyday but when i stop to take a step back, realize that this is just a phase, one that so many would give anything for, i am so so thankful. here’s to the impossible balance moms strive for, the constant thoughts of our children and the clock that seems to tick by every so slowly! everyday is a new day. they won’t remember the 478 times you said NO today (hopefully) or the three minutes you needed just to sit down and put your feet up instead of playing with them. but they will remember the love that was so diligently and deliberately poured on them. they might also remember that you let them eat snacks all day or have ice cream for breakfast but that just makes their little childhood more exciting, right? so just as i was made to be a nurse, even more so i was made to be a mom, and a mom specifically to these two very special kiddos. this season of life calls me home with my babies and for that i’m grateful.

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