on being real

do you all know glennon doyle melton (MEET HER HERE)? she’s amazing. she’s a warrior. i love reading anything she has to say. i wish i could meet her someday, perhaps she’ll google her name and find her way to my blog! she’s real. she’s unashamed. she is glorifying God and speaking truth…

“we’re not often permitted to tell the truth in everyday life. there is a small set of words and reactions and pleasantries we are allowed to say, like, “i’m fine, and you?” but we are not supposed to say much of anything else, especially how we are really doing. we find out early that telling the whole truth makes people uncomfortable and is certainly not ladylike or likely to make us popular, so we learn to lie sweetly so that we can be loved. and when we figure out this system, we are split in two: the public self, who says the right things in order to belong, and the secret self, who thinks other things. at one point i got so sick of listening to myself drone on to other women about little league and countertops and how fine i was, that i decided to kill my public self. the truth is that i am very rarely fine. i am usually so far behind fine that i couldn’t find fine with binoculars. or so far past fine that i expect the birds to notice my superhuman joy and start speaking to me…i told (husband) i was going to start introducing my secret self to other moms at the playground and the mall. the introduction would sound something like this: “hi i’m glennon. i’m a recovering, well, everything, and most recently i’ve been struggling with isolation and intimacy with my husband and i’ve also been getting quite angry with my kids for no reason. i feel awful about these things. but yoga is helping. also deep breaths and baths. how are you?”” (from carry on, warrior by glennon melton)


oh man, what a breath of fresh air. someone who is real! if i ever met her at the playground, she wouldn’t be able to get rid of me! i’d be crying on her shoulder in no time. “i’m fine” is my go to. i sound like a broken record. sometimes i’m really good at smiling and hiding it all. other times, it’s just too much and the tears flow. that feels better anyways.

only a handful of people close to me know the true anatomy of my social media life. i post really fun, cute pictures of the kids. all smiles. all happy. what most don’t know is that behind those pictures is an exhausted, heartbroken me treading in rough waters and fighting hard to heal. i stumbled upon the difficult journey of marital separation months ago. compounded with the intensity of raising a toddler and an infant. details of why are not important but what is important is the impact the current life change is having on me and my family. the smiles that radiate from my kids on instagram are authentic and real. and i attribute that to handling this with grace. to making sure i do what is best for the kids. to doing whatever it takes to remain a “family,” whatever that may look like. so if you had xray vision, you’d see my pictures and realize that they are memories that one parent is not present for; they are facetime calls between siblings, sharing milestones and first’s witnessed by only one parent,  celebrating special days in a new way and creating new traditions, uprooting and moving to a new place, lots of changes…

i speak broadly when i say that it is easy to hide behind social media. what is the purpose of having “friends” and “followers” if we can’t be real. don’t we need a community to live this life with? why aren’t we real with this virtual “community?” i wonder if support and encouragement would come out of the woodwork from that community or if truly sharing our real lives would just cultivate a community of gossip and distancing from other’s afflictions. as i say that out loud i’m not sure how productive it would be to blast our troubles but it makes me wonder why i waste so much time “scrolling.” i know it’s not a new revelation that it’s a waste of time, a thief of joy and quite frankly an addiction. and i’m guilty of wasting my time with it. here’s a great article in RELEVANT MAGAZINE that is worth the read.

 i have learned through all of this how precious our burdens can be and what an honor it is to carry others’ burdens as well. so if you see me at the playground, please feel free to let it all out. i will carry your burdens proudly and i won’t judge you. i’ll rally behind you. i’ll beg to God on your behalf. i’ll be your village! so here i am, going out on a limb and sharing. hoping that expressing honesty will set me free from the pain i often keep to myself.

here’s a tiny snap shot of life in the past few months, attempting to create and share joy for our family in the midst of some hard and “new” times.